Ok, here’s one for Sunday :

The new Priest was so nervous that he, at his 1st Mass, almost could not speak. So he asked the Bishop for advice. The Bishop said that before every Mass, he drinks a glass of water with two drops tequila in it. That makes him no longer nervous. After the Priest had done that, even in the biggest storm he would not be nervous anymore. Later, when the Priest returned to the Sacristy, he found a note from the Bishop:

Dear Priest! Let me give you some comments on your 1st Mass and I hope that these matters will not be repeated in the next Mass :

1. It is not necessary to put lemons at the edge of the cup.
2. The box next to the altar is the confessional, not the toilet.
3. There are 10 commandments, not ‘about 12′.
4. The number of apostles were 12 and not ‘7 or so’.
5. We don’t name Jesus and the apostles with ‘J.C. & the Gang’.
6. David defeated Goliath with a stone and a slingshot - he didn’t treat him with dope to death.
7. We don’t call Judas ’son of a bitch ‘and the Pope is not ‘El Padrino’.
8. Bin Laden has nothing to do with the death of Jesus.
9. The holy water is for the blessing and not to refresh your neck.
10. Why you drink the wine empty, then lick salt, and then bite into a lemon, is totally unclear to me!
11. You should never pray while sitting on the steps in front of the altar with your foot set on the bible.
12. The host is not an aperitif for the wine, it is intended for the believers only.
13. Noah built the ark and had no offshore Boat.
14. Abraham was not the father of the Smurfs.
15. The invitation to dance is not bad, but a Polonaise through the nave: No!
16. The ‘bitch with the small tits’ was the Virgin Mary. You do not have to rest on the statue, even less you have to embrace it and please, do not kiss.
17. The ‘freak’ in the nave is Jesus. He doesn’t hang around there, he is nailed to the cross. And his last words were not: “More nails - I slide!”
18. That guy in the corner of the choir, which you named ‘gay’ and ‘transvestite with skirt’, that was me.
19. The next time please drop some tequila into the water - and not vice versa.

Your Bishop

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